love you, baby

I wanna write something to you about us. Maybe that's it, or part of it. But I think I've come to an a-ha moment about all this after 1 year since all this started. I'm writing in English because I sometimes (most of the time) think I express myself better in it.

We've both been very loud and clear about what we want from each other, I guess since the beginning. I'm not going to say I was louder or clearer because I'd be lying. I never told you I liked you or how much I did in the beginning and you sometimes can be quite hard to read. Anyway, I'm not here to measure who's right or wrong because I'd be wrong in doing that and that's not the point.

I think both of us have a perfect fantasy about each other to which both of us fit into perfectly (most of the time) and neither of us is ready to let go of that fantasy. Do I need to be explicit here?

You wanted me to be your casual girlfriend, if that exists - someone you can trust, and talk and have - who's going to be there for you in bed, in the shower, someone who's going to listen to you and listen to the things you listen to and adore you. BUT, and there's always a but - only when you want me to, if you're too busy, or not ready, or simply not in the mood, I'd have to go and leave you alone.

Whereas I, want exactly that, but always. Not a casual boyfriend, a boyfriend, period. Not because I want a boyfriend. I wanted YOU as such.

I wanted someone who likes me, sexually, not sexually only, who listens to me, who adores me, who's there for me in bed and out of it, in the shower? why not? but also who's there the next day consistently. and I won't let go of it.

a casual girlfriend vs a consistent boyfriend.

no one is going to let go of anything. We get angry at each other because you've been clear, so have I - no one wants to walk away and no one's ready to accept each other's proposal.

It is as if you brought me a costume, a beautiful dress, more beautiful than anything I could've chosen myself. and I love it, I love every detail of it. and I want to get dressed for you - put on the dress you designed so carefully for me - and it fits almost perfectly. It's just a few inches short - and we want to prentend there's nothing wrong with that, because everything else looks so good, it's such a shame. But those inches, they make it look a bit off, you know? Like I'm too tall for it. Or as if Cinderela's shoes were a size smaller, would she be able to walk on those? dance on those? for how long?

The jacket and the pants I bought for you, I picked them up so carefully - they look great on you, I think! but they make you feel so uncomfortable, you won't stand it for too long. Just like the other day, you trying on those clothes for the show. You didn't see yourself in those. Maybe it's the fabric, maybe it's the colour - you don't like it, even though I think you're so beautiful in it. I smile as I watch you get dressed for me in that hotel room.

it's such a sad story in the end because were the fantasies too far from reality - it would be so much easier to look away and look for something that actually fits, but this 'almost fits' the space between that and 'it's just right' seems so small that we keep trying, isn't it?

I'm not even sure I'll ever have the guts to say this all to you, but it's with a deep wound in my soul that I've come to realise that...

it doesn't mean I don't want you around, this text is not about perfection or ideal, and I think I've tried my best and maybe u did too. I don't know.

Loving you was really hard, but letting you go was the hardest I'll have to do. Because if I do stay, I think I'll be happy, yes, for a while. I'll pretend those shoes fit me and I'll love it, but you see, those centimeters might not matter to you and other people might not even see how it makes me feel, but it hurts the tip of my toes. and after the party I go to the bathroom and I cry a little.

and I want to feel good, baby. and I want you to feel good too. 

I love you and I have loved you very much indeed for this past year, and to me you look gorgeous anyway, even when you don't, remember that.

please, keep those as a present to you as a little piece of forever I wanted to have lived with you. and be sure you'll always be kept in that space between never and forever.